Making Peace with Being Alone: Loneliness v. Solitude

By Cindy Purifoy

In this era of COVID-19 with its social distancing (I prefer the term “physical distancing”) and stay-at-home orders, many people are struggling with being alone. But being alone and being lonely are different.

Solitude is the “state or situation of being alone.”

Loneliness is “sadness because one has no friends or company.” (Dictionary.com)

Solitude is a situation; loneliness is a feeling, and a hard feeling at that!

When I reflect upon and embrace the idea of solitude, I discover that I have IT … it does not have ME. But when I allow loneliness to show up in my life, it has ME … I do not have IT. Solitude feels like empowerment (dog wagging the tail), loneliness feels like dis-empowerment (tail wagging the dog).

Both solitude and loneliness are imbued with personal meaning and messages:

Solitude says:

• I believe that I have value on a personal level as well as in the lives of others.

• It extends an invitation to embrace and acknowledge the present moment and what I have right now.

• Solitude is finite; there will be meaningful face-to-face connection and time spent with others in the future.

• Time spent in solitude can be enjoyed, full of possibilities and creativity.

Loneliness says:

• You’ll never be able to escape being alone! Time spent in loneliness is like being pushed inside a room with no windows or doors.

• You must have a distraction, otherwise you could feel swallowed up by your emotions.

• You have no choices. Loneliness is in charge.

• Others do not want to spend time with you, there is no use in reaching out.

• Others will harm you, it is not safe to reach out.

The truth is, we do have a choice. Even if the condition of being alone doesn’t change, our view of it can. Solitude asks something of us (to recognize our worth and realize being alone doesn’t last). Loneliness removes things from us (it lies that we are not worthy of relationships, that relationships are unsafe, and that the future will not change).

If you’re feeling swallowed up by loneliness, try this: Take a deep breath (or a few), pause, and allow yourself to wonder what lies you are believing. Remember: just because you think it, doesn’t make it true! Notice the emotions that accompany the lies. What messages are they trying to convey? Try keeping a journal of your observations; journaling is a very helpful way to clarify the lies and the emotions that follow.

Next, wonder this: how can I change the lies into something true? “I will always be alone” may change to “I’m currently alone, but I have been with others in the past and will be again in the future.” Or “I feel terrible being alone” can change to “It is hard to be alone, but I can take a walk and notice the beauty of the blooming trees and green grass. I don’t have to stay in this feeling.”

You may be physically alone during this season, but you do not have to be lonely. Find creative and peace-filled ways to fill you time. Give yourself grace. Talk back to the lies. Reach out to others. We are living in extraordinary times. It’s going to take work to stabilize ourselves internally as the ground beneath continues to roll. The work may need to be repeated many times a day. That is okay.

If making these shifts feels like a Herculean challenge, recognize it may be the time for counseling. You do not have to do it alone. Amend is offering talk therapy sessions via phone and Zoom during this season. We can also evaluate if your brain could benefit from neurofeedback. Neurofeedback sessions are conducted in office, with all precautions taken for your safety.

Reach out to us. As always, Amend is here to help.

Help for Those on the Front Lines

Free and low-cost therapy sessions for Front-Line workers nationwide

One of the beautiful parts of living through this pandemic is seeing the helpers. Just like Mr. Rogers famously said, “When I was a boy and would see scary things in the news my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”

And every day we see the examples of the heroes who keep getting up and keep going in. We see their sacrifice and their courage. We know it is taking a toll.

Maybe we once took for granted the danger first responders placed themselves in. We no longer do. But now our heroes are much more diverse. They are the first responders and the medical professionals AND they are also the janitorial staff, the grocery store workers, the transportation personnel. Whether their job is their passion or what keeps food on their tables, we can all agree it is essential.

At Amend we do both counseling and neurofeedback but because neurofeedback involves touching we decided to pause it during the Shelter-In-Place order for Johnson County, Kansas. That means some of our providers have time on our hands. We thought how perfect would it be if we could find a way to pair our time and talents with the mental health care needs of essential workers? But frankly the task seemed overwhelming. Fortunately, someone else was already on it.

When we heard about Coronavirus Online Therapy we joined right away. If you are a mental health professional, I encourage you to do the same. It is a new resource that pairs first responders and essential personnel with therapists for free or low-cost online therapy appointments. As an essential worker you fill out demographic information and what you are willing/able to pay (from $0-$50) and the site matches you with a therapist licensed in your state.

Tag an essential worker anywhere in the US to let them know that this service exists. Tag them to let them know that we see them, that we appreciate them, and that we are here to help them as they are helping us.

If you are on the front lines, whether it is in the hospital or the grocery store, we want to help.

As the almost worn-out-but-still-true saying goes: We’re all in this together.